A place for my erratic insights, thoughts and notions - my own look-back place. There is no set topic or content. It's all about what I like at the moment.
It's been a while since I haven't written anything here.
The priority of life has changed drastically in these last few years. Earlier, it used to be about what I used to feel about temporary situations, I worried about things which were meant to not long last.
Now, the only thing I want to achieve in this life is to leave a legacy behind. Would I succeed? Only god knows. This year will be spent building the cornerstone of that legacy. No one can see what I am doing, perhaps no one can understand why I am doing it in the first place, except me. But I know, in few years, it will bear its fruit.
I am already nearing 40 in the next few years. I exactly know what I want and how I want it. Earlier, everything was hazily wrapped in a delusion of pleasing others. I please no one Now.
I have a dream and I will make it happen. How couldn't I see it in those days when it was just in front of me? But it's not too late.
With every passing year, it's becoming clear what I really want. I can never really leave India. This is where I belong. It does not mean, I am not thankful to Germany and Canada, I am and will be perpetually grateful for everything. I can never repay their debts.
I feel thankful for everything, this universe has offered me. Everything that had happened, has led me here and I won't change a bit, not even a single bit.
When I go to my village, I use to just hang around my mother's room - the same room where she came as a newly wedded woman for the first time. I know she was there once. From the same room, she wedded her firstborn. In the same room, I use to sleep alongside her. That's the best part of my memories. Sometimes, it feels like, she was just there, even though while the whole house is empty. Nobody lives there anymore. If being in four dimensions ever possible, I could have even seen her. I will make sure to keep her memory no matter what.
Looking now, based solely on my own personal wealth, I could only sustainable myself for a year. Simply put, I could be on the street, if I just lose my all sources of income, all together at once, which are anyway very few. That's what I have.
Looking back, once this happened to Parents, they lost everything. Yet, I never saw them living in fear of the future, I never saw them struggling. I never understood why there was no chaos. They were-are always fine with the less and be happy about everything. I want to be there.
I smoke, I have smoked for more than a decade. In the early days, I did enjoy it. Unbelievable it may sound, it used to make me high for a few minutes, it felt different. But, most importantly, it made me feel cool and that was the sole reason I had started, I wanted to be cool and accepted as such. I loved the shape of the puffs I made. How naive one could be? Did it make me such? No, I was still the same stupid, ignorant guy. The cigarette didn't make me cool neither famous. If that was not worse already, I also committed the sin to get two of my closest friends systematically addicted to smoking as well. I gifted them death and lesser life.
I kept finding reasons to smoke. For the first few years, I never accepted that I had developed an addiction. For me, it was just one of the experiments with youth. I always thought I could quit any moment I want - which was also true to some extent during those formative years. It took 5 years for acceptance to finally arrive when I tried to quit for the first time and only Lord knows how miserably I failed. I failed spectacularly, I was not even able to wait for the next stick. That was the beginning of my struggle. Anyway, it didn't really bother me; I still thought nothing of cigarette. Though, this time, I changed my reason to smoke. I thought I was young and without cigarette how could one enjoy, how could I enjoy a glass of whiskey once in a while, how could you go to a party and have fun, how could I hang out with friends.
Since then I have grown up with white hairs and beards. The false need for being cool and fun was long gone but the cigarette stayed, it remained loyal. And, then I reached a state where every puff tastes like ash in the mouth, but did I quit? I tried, I tried very hard but cigarette refused to leave, it followed me wherever I went. Sensing my reluctance, it then promised to enhance my happiness and take my sorrows away. I believed its word.
The stick of cigarette had now evolved into an emotional need.
And, that's where every smoker suffers tremendously when they try to quit. Your friends and family debunk you for not quitting. It’s poison. Don't we, smokers, know that already? It's not about habit anymore. Quitting is now about severing the link between the stick between our fingers and the emotional needs that it promises to fulfill. How could you quit so easily if in case of separation, one (cigarette) keeps coming and you keep yearning for them as well in their absence. Almost nobody understands it. A constant reminder, a steady debunk is not helpful, it's not even kind, it feels like borderline cruelty. Even if you don't realise, you are mocking us unknowingly. If someone gets sick, do you ridicule them? By ridiculing, do you expect them to recover? Would you feel good by mocking a person's illness? The constant reminder invokes nothing but frustration and anger deep within us. We lie then, we lie to you on your Face. If needed, we will lie to anyone who keeps on reminding. Sometimes, we make them silent, sometimes we humiliate them, we insult them, we show them their place out of our own misery and desperation. If that's not enough, we also do not hesitate to hate the asker for repeatedly reminding us of our learned helplessness. If you truly care about the person behind the smoke, if you truly want to help us, then show some compassion, show some kindness, try to understand our plight. When we dream about quitting, encourage us, tell us that you have faith in our resolve even if you don't mean it, tell us that we can do it. Let us bring this topic on our own if we want to. Let us find our own will, our own reason, our own resolve. What do we, smokers, truly need is your patience ears, nonjudgemental mind and most importantly a bit of compassion in your heart. If even after all these things, we fail sometimes then encourage us, reaffirm your belief in us, instead of ridiculing our ambition. We desperately need someone who could patiently hear to our battles that we keep losing. We do not need lectures about the benefit of quitting - We Already Know That because We Are Already Living That Hellish Life, That Horrible Smell Follows Us Everywhere. If you still do not understand our plight, then just once think about our compulsive self inflicted wounds which run deep within our skin - we have already lost the true sense of taste and smell. Many of us have lost our appetite. Our skin violently crawls when we put that little bastard between our lips. We have lost so much.
We don't need a constant reminder of our addiction. I understand it's quite difficult for someone who does not smoke to understand the plight and struggle of us and that’s perfectly fine. However, if you cannot help then also don’t discourage us. Quitting is hard, the struggle to quit is so difficult that possibly no non-smoker can comprehend. If a smoker tells you his desire to quit, support him. Don't remind them that they had promised the same thing last time as well. Don't mock them, don't mock their wish, don't mock our dream of quitting one day. Don't remind us about our addiction because the one who truly wants to quit - we, ourselves, deeply regret that moment when we picked that first stick. This deep self resentment whenever we give up is so intense that even the best of words cannot express our suffering.
However, there are a few good aspects of smoking as well. It has given something. Now I know what an addiction is. I am almost certain that for every kind of addiction there comes a stage where an addict truly wants to quit. I now understand their plight because I have lived that. It has made me compassionate towards those who are trapped in their own hell. Thanks to this addiction, now I will never make another addiction, I will never again let anyone abuse me, I will never again allow a toxic relation to build up. Never again!
This time, I won't share this suffering to any because nobody can understand anyway. I have to find that compassion within me to forgive myself when I will fail and the compassion to hold myself and say - you can do it, Manu, don’t give up, I trust you. This time, I have found a way that let me ask myself - Why? Meditation is slowly building something deep inside me to face my own created demons. This time, I will not find any alternative. This time, I will find the help that I desperately need. I am sick, I am suffering. I am trapped in my own mind.
This blog has been my time-machine for a while. When I see the written words here, they take me back to the moments when I wrote those things. I guess these short peeps give me comfort sometimes. This is my place where I was young once and now becoming old.
There was a time, there was nothing to write down. There is a time when there is everything to write. I guess life gives a bundle of stories every day if we just listen. Anyway, I want to give my writing a sincere chance and for that, I am taking a bit of this blog to a truly anonymous place where I can write whatever I want to write, perhaps it's for the best because that might be too wild. This blog place, that it is, however, will continue to keep a random glimpse of everything that is happening all around, which I keep finding amusing or erratic.
Cult of Cultest André Rieu.
I like him so much that I'd like his music to be played at the time of my cremation and I'd like my people to enjoy that festival of Light and, Music!
The rain clouds hovering above the picturesque countryside around Berry Pomeroy hint at something spooky. And indeed this small village in England's Devon region holds a few mysteries. Listed in the Domesday Book of 1086 as a feudal barony, the village retains some of its Tudor trappings, including St. Mary's Church (find the spire in the image).
However, it’s the nearby Berry Pomeroy Castle that attracts most visitors, even though (or because) it’s said to be home to a gathering place of ghosts. Built-in the late 15th century, the castle fell into a state of ruin by the turn of the 18th century and has since been deemed one of the most haunted castles in Britain.
When the interview started, the interviewer looked into (almost certain now) the resume, which interviewee obviously can't see on the screen, and said you have an interesting background.
And the interviewee thought about his background with a door and on that door, there was a towel too. It was a nice towel though, red, furry, and dry. He thought how could his background be interesting?
Anyway, the interview started and came to a conclusion.
The interviewer asked, 'do you have any question to ask?' The interviewee replied, I think you have explained everything in details including position, the expected responsibilities, regarding the company, and it's culture. I can't think of any question right now, because whatever I wanted to ask, you have already answered nicely. However, on that note, I must add, you are a very helpful recruiter and I think, we must end our conversation on a cheerful note? The interviewer said, Sure, Go on!
[By then the interviewee had realized that the mention of the background was about the profile, not wall ]
The interviewee continued; you know, when you had asked me about the background at the beginning of our interview, I thought what's there in my wall that made you asked about my background? You see, English is not my first language, so such kind of things happens sometimes, I hope, you understand. When people have different contexts, and when, even though, they try to say the same something, sometimes something gets lost into translation, and then we express something different. You know, sometimes it is funny, sometimes it's not. This time it was quite funny when I realized the fault in my perception and understood you were, instead, talking about profile only. After that realization, I was smiling a little bit on my self for a while, and might not have been able to keep a straight face for some time and I am truly sorry about that.
There was laughter on both ends for a while, and the interview ended on a delightful note, we wished each other an even better day for the rest of the day, then bid a quick farewell. We bid well. Always say GGoood-bye.
Today, I was having lunch with friends and suddenly one of them started watching Sarabhai vs Sarabhai on YouTube and I thought why do people enjoy watching sitcoms alike Sarabhai vs Sarabhai [IMDb rating: 8.9/10] or Friends [IMDb rating: 8.9/10] or Big Bang Theory [IMDb rating: 8.1/10], Bhabiji Ghar Par Hain [IMDb rating: 8.5/10], even though they can't relate to the character, even if they find the whole thing ludicrous but somehow still find them engaging and hilarious.
Almost all the times, their scripts make you laugh at the amount of sheer stupidity, you wonder, how one can write such utterly, completely, disastrously, marvellously bad bullshit, but then you slowly realize that to write such kind of pure bullshit, you still need to have a pure genius. You keep making fun of each and every dialogue and scene of such serials, and then suddenly one day out of blue, they touch something deep inside you, and you feel related. It doesn't matter if you start watching their episode or a season somewhere in the middle, you will still understand every scene and dialogue. You realize, they are so-bad-that-they-are-good. What a wonderful contradiction!
While retiring in my bed, I related this inanity when I recalled my fidelity for the Hindi movie Gunda (1998) starring The Lord Mithun Da where he proved himself to be The Most Divine Among Divines with his well-chiselled look and little hanging tummy yet still pulverising through the light and darkness alike. It is still a mystery whether this movie was meant to be that funny or it was just a coincidence, humanity will never know. If you don't believe, check the IMDb rating of the movie Gunda (1998) which is 7.3/10 (on the day of this post), it keeps changing, for a very brief period it reached the unassailable magic figure of 10 (even higher than The Shawshank Redemption [IMDb rating: 9.3/10]), but nonetheless, it never falls below 7. You should definitely read its reviews. It is such-a-terribly-bad-movie that it has become one of the cults of cult movies. For example, you will see two people fighting and suddenly the background scene would change from airport to a dock, where hundred of rockets are being launched from auto-rickshaws and still hitting nothing, and yet it will keep you riveted to the screen. Just like the necromancy of Donnie Darko, albeit of different complexion [watch Donnie if haven't yet].
The present day, while doing meditation for hours, i had a vision of leaving to somewhither one final time. I was offered a white shawl by family, i offered mine worldly possessions. Afterwards, i proffered father of what i had remained, he refused and granted three letters written by mother for me over a long period. I then asked the mother the symbolism of all's. She unravelled the meaning, “all you carry wherever you go is your doings and stories in their faithful form, nothing else, that’s what the white shawl and letters signify”. i further asked, you could have given the letter yourself, why father? she replied, “does anything matter, now go on”.
Mother was right, it matters no more, vanity of vanities, it’s all vanity!
Lately, I have found myself pondering quite a bit about the mystery of death. Why is everyone so scared of dead? We all will die, that's inevitable. Then doesn't it make sense to instead embrace it, understand it? I am not talking about hurting self, that's against the flow of creation. What I am talking about is following where the universe intends to take us. When you see a movie that indulges you, you enjoy it. However, could you still enjoy your most favourite movie in an infinite loop? Imagine the agony of a student who has failed and thus is compelled to repeat his class. We need an end - like the period in a sentence. Everything that we dislike, hate, love or cherish must have an end. I feel we are mostly frightened of unknown rather than death itself. Didn't you sometimes in your life take a leap of faith and dived into. Many times the objective science did it too, that’s how we discovered the vaccine of polio. I don’t think, the leap of faith comes out arbitrary, you sense it, you observe it quietly coming, promising a gateway to the unprecedented horizon and gradually manifesting into intuition. It might work or perhaps would never. However, when you know what you are doing is not working either, isn’t it better to seek out the truth beyond the familiarity? If you haven't ever come across this intuition, which I doubt, I am truly sorry, you can't even know what have you missed. When death comes, instead of welcoming it, we start crying. Everything, including knowns and unknowns, is temporary, it will keep changing, everyone you know will die, everything you own will vanish eventually, it's all illusion. Again, No I am not arguing about harming self, that's pure sin, not because of what I have been told, but because in essence, you are asking for a favour from this universe to take you out of this loop of life and death and then you sway against its rule and hope to get what you want. You won't. You break your own pledge, that you had made to the cosmos when you had rearrived, to return only when you would be called. Besides getting rid of the physical body is too damm easy, what about disposing your fears, your lust, greed, envy, desires, pride and attachments first - can you easily get rid of them, too? When your time comes, and if you have already renounced these, you will not have fear of losing this physical existence, made of ashes.
I feel, there is nothing fearful about death, the death will be a celebration if we live our time nobly and justly, and then we will keep living in the hearts and stories, remembered and forgotten. We will exist nowhere and everywhere. If we embrace death this way, death will not barge into our homestead but instead would lovingly arrive as our dearest friend whom we didn't get to meet for a long long time. Do not repeat the mistakes, again and again, don't hurt a soul, including yours, consciously; make penance for your sins till you have time, change lives, do good, and perhaps you will return to the totality. We need to die, we must be willing to die someday so that we could relish this life before it comes to its conclusion, the final conclusion.
“Life is just a memory, bitter or sweet, it is nothing but a memory.” ~ Aghori Sri Vimalananda
The book gives a glimpse into the spiritual journey of Aghori Sri Vimalananda.
“The more you become aware of death’s certitude, he would say, the more urgently you will strive to live an impeccable life, to seek a healthy relationship with that infinite and permanent reality that lies beyond our world of the temporary and the mundane.”
It’s widely misunderstood when you hear about detachment. The majority take them as avoidance of suffering, recklessness, or abandonment of the world. It’s not that. What does detachment really mean is that you must orient yourself towards the higher good you can imagine and then having done that, act in the moment, that includes you must gracefully accept suffering, as well, as it enters, and let it go as it leaves, you become aware of self and surrounding. Even attachment to avoidance of sufferings creates its own suffering. In ancient Greek, there is a word for this - φυγόπονος, which means fear of pain that makes you avoid the pain. Pain is ultimately inevitable in most scenarios, however, suffering is optional. Your resolve might be tested along the way, through the fire, but don’t conflate what is expedient and comfortable with what is correct or perhaps the moral thing to do. Living in the moment without the higher goal is like slowly building yourself as the strongest enemy you could ever imagine. Every action has associated suffering, for example, a woman conceives and she will have to suffer the consequences of childbirth, you marry your love and your loved one will, for sure, die one day. If suffering seems so absolutely inevitable, does it necessarily stop you from orienting yourself towards the higher goal and living in this moment? It doesn’t because it’s always optional in nature. On the same note, people misunderstand attachment too, they say, in order to achieve enlightenment, one must renounce attachment whole because life is suffering and attachment makes it worse. It doesn’t, it only causes suffering when you can’t release things when it’s time to let them go.
Perhaps what you think suffering is for you was, in essence, a blessing from the beginning. Death, for example, people say it’s the end of life, so that must be terrifying. Perhaps it’s the ultimate silence, peace and calm you always yearned for. We exist as a dot on the timeline of this eternity, but our actions will have repercussions that would reverberate throughout time, the butterfly effect. We must thus decide to face suffering head-on and accept it as gracefully as possible. That’s detachment when ecstasy and suffering become one. In Finnish, there is a saying, "New snow is the death of the old snow". In order to move ahead, you must die to all you once loved and you must be willing to die, so that you may live and live abundantly. - Prof. Jordan B. Peterson. Voice of sanity in the world of confusion. Thank you.
While heading towards Delhi from Siliguri, I began getting sick, real sick, with fever, severe cold, and paralyzing dizziness, the cough was so bad that it started hurting so badly, every joint was filled with ache and pain. I thought it might be due to sudden exposure to one of the highest altitudes at Indo China border, or possibly I ate something which I shouldn't have and will go away soon. That was my notion, because, I don't get sick often. But this was something entirely different. I decided to instead stay in Calcutta for a few days before pushing ahead, it didn't help and after a few days, I headed towards Delhi. I was asleep the whole time, the taxis, the plane, the staff at the airport, the taxi drivers, the air hostess, all of them had to wake me up. The shortness of breath, fatigue and cold combined with high fever took me down like never before.
I couldn't help but sleep continuously throughout days and nights. And then one night, I saw a dream of me travelling on a large ship, myself infected priorly with a viciously infectious disease which made me touch the nose all the time, unknown to me at the time of boarding. It spread like wildfire on the ship and soon all the people in the ship fell prey to this. All the people on the ship were touching their nose all the time. It was not fatal, not causing any medical contingencies, just making its victim touch their nose all the time. This dream made me feel so awful in my dream - while looking at people, I knew in my heart, I was the cause for the spread of this beast.
Whatever antibiotics I had taken so far proved ineffective and I hadn't bothered to visit a doctor despite having medical insurance. The next morning, the first thing that I did was to visit a doctor and asked for a full body checkup. It came nothing except for the possibility of air pollution being the reason and was advised to leave Delhi at once and stay in a village for a while, I came home. I did recover without any medicine, but it took more than two weeks. Big cities are not my thing anymore.
Only after a few months, I got a call from home to return immediately because a new virus, COVID-19, had come around in India. I was already in Kerala, too far from home, the place where the first patient of Corona was officially found. Was that a sign? Some say the universe gives us signs every day in our sleep, in our timeline, in our conversations, in the cloud, in epiphanies. However, only when we pay attention to them and piece them together, we notice a pattern. The universe is communicating with us, perhaps. Epiphany tells us a tale, which we often don't listen, perhaps because we are neither listening nor observing, but instead, we talk over one another, many times we don't even listen to our own intuition. Our societies encourage us to lead the conversation. When was the last time you really listened or someone really listened to you? When was the last time when only this moment mattered to you? I call it one step at a time - this moment just one purpose, one thought.
"Does anybody ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?
Saints and poets maybe. They do some." ~ Thornton Wilder, Our Town [https://amzn.to/34QDeBN]
It's been a few days since I arrived in Canada. I was hoping that I would be super excited - after all, it was an effort of a year to get the residency. However, it feels as if even if I had not chosen this path, life would have been equally eminent, but then I had chosen this path for a reason. When I was packing my stuff, I felt nothing about the start of this new era - neither joy nor sorrow. Still feels nothing - that's comforting feeling indeed, I don't deny it. Although, what really mattered to me, when I was packing, was entirely different. Father was sitting in the corner, speaking nothing and just watching me pack with eyes filled with deep sorrow, that really made-makes me sad. He didn't even come to drop me at the station, which he always does. Once our parent loses their partner, they become our children. I should have said something to make him assure that I am still only a call away, but I didn't. What was I thinking. Canada seems too far from home. Life in Canada is easy, I accept that but if I ever go back to India, which I might now, it will be solely for the family.
When you go through a deep heartbreak - you lie in your bed, you feel deeply sad, you keep thinking about it until you don’t feel asleep (which you didn’t even realize - when did you fell asleep), perhaps maybe in dreams too - you keep dreaming about it - instinctively hoping that all these might relieve you of your pain, but nothing of this does really help, does it? It, instead, makes you sadder. Still, you keep doing it even though you know that this is making you more sad but you still do it. It hurts and you knowingly keep hurting yourself. Perhaps, your soul has already come in full power silently and has already started erasing those times which is hurting you so deeply, so intensely. Those marks on time take time to be unmarked and it hurts. It hurts like, when you pull your own skin out from your body like you are flaying yourself, but even more slowly. It hurts that much. But you need this, even if you just didn’t realize yet, you need it. So, you keep hurting yourself by remembering them. This is what Mourning feels like. You are mourning for something, which was never yours - you just didn’t know yet, you forgot conveniently but now remembers finally - This hurts, doesn’t it?
This is how you mourn deeply, silently, alone-ly, reverentially, lovingly. Can’t this, the mourning, be a beautiful experience in future? Someday, you might remember it (this mourning) fondly, perhaps? This comes, when you finally move on for forever. You forgive them and self - you have just unremembered someone. Perhaps, when life sets on, a more memorable turn comes up. This is what forgiving is, living life is, saying life is so so beautiful is, appreciating what you have is, being thankful is. You live yourself. That would make you a kind person unknowingly, make you feel connected to the needy ones, to ones who are still suffering. This is how it counts.
On the same note, why can’t we celebrate happiness alone? Why can’t We be happily alone within self first?
That’s what life is: Sorrow and Happiness. There can’t be anything in between these two extremes.
So, if sorrows of the past come back to haunt you, show them the future. As Rumi says, after all life is the balance of holding on and letting go. Love Live life happily - that’s what counts!
On a funny note: Don’t mourn for anyone until they are dead :D
On a serious note: Mourning is very very precious. It’s truest manifestations exist only in a very few quantities. Once you exceed its limit - you get used to it. So, don’t mourn over un-mournable - mourn only for those that made you a better person, a good person, a just one.
Peace Out. Sabakher!
- Last Night in Delhi : End of This - Start of New.
In the early days of marriage, a woman is always interested in every bullshit of his man, no matter how stupid it could be. Perhaps that’s one of the ways to know more about his man. So whenever the guy gets High, she listens to him keenly and perhaps she loves every bit of his bullshit talks. But what about after 10 years!
So after 10 years, when the husband gets high and starts his bullshit talk -
Wife: Arre aap chup rahiye. Humko Sab Malum hai. Nhi sunaiye. (You please keep mum. I know everything, don’t make me listen to it again).
So she keeps saying the same thing whenever he gets high and then he keeps Mum.
Then one day he got high again but this time he also had a plan. He went to his wife and starts his bullshit talk.
Then she says: Arre aap chup rahiye, humko sab malum hai - aap kya boliyega. (Oh, you please keep mum, I know everything - what would you say)
But this time, the husband says: Nhi nhi ... ess bar ekdum naya bolege (No No... this time I will say something entirely new)
Then her wife replies: Humko Malum hai... chup rahiye aap :D
(I know that already, you please keep mum :D)
PS: that’s my own joke and it’s been half an hour I am laughing over this... why not share the laughter. Smile Darwins and Darlings ☮️
I don’t believe that people could be busy all the time, though few do pretend to, because perhaps that makes them feel important about themselves, to feel that the whole world around them would collapse without them. None of that would happen even if you drop dead at this instant, however, could you accept this fact that you are mostly busy in irrelevant things which will not even matter to you merely after few years. Then why? People are never busy for things which truly matter to them. If given a choice, would you choose to go to an exotic holiday or take care of your ailing family? People choose either of them and perhaps that says a lot about their priorities. Recall the last time when you were completely un-busy (I know there is no such word) and you just enjoyed your own company. Perhaps that’s why sometimes people run away from everything to find their inner peace.
Imagine you board a long-distance train with 99% battery and when you deboard, it’s still 99%. The journey between these two points - you shut down completely, you slowly eat your home-cooked food and slowly sip water for hours, you see people talking, sometimes they try to strike a conversation with you and yet you just stay afloat, looking at them, observing their mood without intruding their privacy, you don’t utter a single word, you look outside the window and see the ever-changing scenery and in all between, you sometimes just fall asleep. Your friends, relatives, acquaintances might get annoyed because of your sudden complete shutdown because to them you don’t even acknowledge how busy they are.
The fact remains the same - The world will keep revolving even if I don’t exist, so why can’t I just take a chill pill. I am not that important - don’t want to be one ever. Just want to be a simple human who didn’t knowingly cause suffering to anyone until I live, to be someone whom people could remember in their prayers - that’s all I ever need.
