Thursday, August 8, 2019

Spider's Web

This is going to be one of the most erratic articles I have ever written, nearly closer to Lord, I have a hotline with him. The year was 2016. I had taken a course related to automative safety during my master study, in which only 7 or maybe 8 students had registered. This was also the only course which I never bunked, mostly because of the professor. Obviously, the nature of the course was technical but somehow the professor had progressed it into ethics and I used to be so mesmerized with his lecture. Moreover, since there were only a few students, we were able to forge a personal relationship with the professor. Once after the lecture, I was smoking outside and the professor also came outside to smoke and after casual discussion regarding the progress of my paper that I was writing (which never got published btw), he asked me what I want to do with my life. I remember, I said, marry the love of my life, raise children with her, keep her smiling till my last breath, grow old with her and then peacefully die, that's all I cared. He replied, definitely it's your right to be happy, but everyone lives for themselves, how are you going to repay the debt to the universe which brings you. He said, if you ever want to repay this debt, you have to positively change the life of at least 5 persons for forever in your life, and if you ever knowingly hurt even one soul in between or after, this count will reduce to 0 and you will have to restart again, a person can't be shouldn't be your universe, how many have you until now? I knew my count. I was only taking from this universe, and returning absolutely nothing. All of my mentors/friends in this life of mine, Omkar, Bismark, Tamer, Ibrahiem, Kundan, Sonal, my sister and the professor too, they so wanted the best of me, so invested in me. At that moment, it didn't matter to me anyway, she was the universe. I then graduated, went for 3 months solo euro trip and then joined a job. A lot of things happened since that day. I didn't understand the essence of his words that day, but now I do. Now, in a few months, I am going to leave Germany for forever, I will meet my professor before leaving and will tell him, how his that one conservation gave me the purpose of my life, my personal agenda. I feel you don't really need to be a millionaire to do some good, being just human and 10% of your income could do wonder. The easiest way would be just giving away money, but it is not enough, being part of someone's journey might do though. There always exists a middle way between two extremes, that's where the riddle of oneness can be found because ultimately one is everything and everything is one. All that doesn't mean, I amn't people's person, can't be, will never be, I fiercely protect my personal space. But that also doesn't mean, I hate people, I just love the company of mine more.

Year 2018, The time to leave my dorm finally arrived, I bloody loved that place so much, mostly the people, Carsten, Salma, Armin. During our hangouts, we used to take a turn playing our songs. This was the last night and I was given the honor to play the last song of the night, and I played one of my most favorite songs, Hallelujah by Kaylee. Everyone prayed loud and proud with her, with our wide-open arms. In the mid of night, for a few minutes, the whole dorm was filled with sounds of prayers. There are numerous interpretations of this song, though for me it speaks of the journey of pain, joy, suffering, and finally celebration. The most indelible lyrics of this song comes when Kaylee sings, "And every breath, we drew was Hallelujah", so filled with lamentation. That was my final goodbye to Haus 5A. Thanks Lord for letting me live that life.


Materialistic things mostly do not matter to me now, especially money and prestige. I don't think, I will remember how much money did I make but the memories I made, lives I changed, or how much I have been loved and I loved. It's been 13 years, I have not been with my sister on Rakhi (a festival of brother and sister), I will visit her this year. All these years, she kept sending Rakhi by post, but this year I will be at her place in the morning of Rakhi itself. I know, she will be surprised, happy and disappointed at the same time that I came only for one day, but am I really going to think on my death bed, that I saved few hundred euros by not visiting her. Moreover, the end of this year is going to signify the beginning of my upcoming legal separation with my country, I do need to visit her, she is my mother after mother, I do need to take her blessing.

This Nov is going to cement the end of the relation to my home away from home, Munich and most importantly to my own home Patna. I feel, in this way, the universe wants me to live my dream that I had always wanted since my childhood - to live India's spiritual life. Everything that happened so far has finally led me to fulfill my lifelong desire to live with monks, live as a monk, live with nothing. A few days back, I had a dream, someone had left a religious scripture with advice to read a specific chapter. I think this is my omen to do my thing. Before I leave for Canada in March, this is what I need so chronically. Definitely, I can't be a typical monk, I'm not, however, I will try not to use what I can. I just want to be with nothingness in those 5 months, live the most minimalistic life, see the sunsets, and wander around just anywhere. Because I feel, no matter how much I try to control my life, the rug can be pulled under me in an instant. I need to know my purpose, I need to know about the act of living alive, it can't be getting up in the morning, go to work, be tired, happy sometimes, unhappy a lot, raise kids, only for them to grow up and repeat the same cycle. I need to pay attention to what this world is really about. I know I am not the person I was years ago and I am glad I am not what I was once and my hear is filled with gratitude for that because now I know, no matter what happens it's going to be fine anyway. I am alive and not for very long, and I will not waste any minute feeling otherwise, there is no fear.

The universe is listening. It has always listened.